Change is on the horizon

 

I’ve been lying to all of you for several years, but most of all I’ve been lying to myself.  I have had a cycle of depressive years where I’ve been caught under a black cloud. No matter where I go or what I’m doing, it hangs above me; even when the forecast says blue skies.  I used to be so hopeful, happy and full of life, but that has waned over the years.  I’ve tried medication, fleeting therapy sessions, meditation, ect.  However, I have always LET myself fall back into my new normal: a hopeless martyr, relentlessly sabotaging myself into unhappiness no matter the circumstances. I have known it all along and never cared to really change. I only try to claw my way out when it gets really bad, then move right back under that cloud. This destructive cycle has damaged relationships and created low self-esteem.  It has caused countless hours, days, months, and years of hurt for those closest to me.  I am sorry.  There are a multitude of reasons this cloud got bigger and more permanent over the years: genetics, Job dissatisfaction, financial pressures, anxiety, excuses…. They are all driving factors that dragged me toward  hopelessness; imprisoning me in despair for far too long. 

 

Depression and anxiety are real and it sucks the life out of you. I am really good at covering it up to those around me, and some may have never even guessed.  I am also really good at covering it up to myself and accepting my misery.  A lot of people may not know this, but I have struggled with social anxiety for a long time.  It takes a lot for me to muster the energy and courage to do certain social norms.  Something that seems easy, like initiating conversations, reaching out to friends, doing something new, takes a lot for me to achieve.  What should I talk about to make conversation?  Will they even notice I'm there?  I should call them.  Don’t get me wrong, I can enjoy myself in situations once I feel comfortable, but it takes A LOT of courage for me to get there.  This has caused me to miss out on so much in my life.  But it is real and hard to overcome a lot of the time.

Change my circumstances and I can change myself!  We sold everything, built financial freedom and moved to Mexico! A dream come true! How can I not be happy?  The cloud is still there and I’m losing out on life, even though I have everything I could possibly imagine right here.  I worry too much about things I can’t change or things that haven’t even happened yet. I am so hard on myself for not having any hobbies or passions I want to pursue my time with.  I rely so heavily on other peoples happiness to provide me what little joy I have.  I haven’t known how to have fun or make plans for myself in far too long. I am a perfect example that changing your circumstances do not create your happiness.  Only YOU can change that.

I have let this cloud hang over me for far too long.  There is absolutely no better time in my life to focus on myself then now.  I have the time and resources like no other time in my life.  There are countless people to meet, infinite possibilities to discover and a bunch of new boundaries to breakthrough.  I can go to therapy sessions regularly for minimal cost.  I can explore new hobbies in one of the most beautiful areas of the world.  I can create lasting memories for me and my family and manifest a life of happiness and abundance.  

I want to live vivaciously, love passionately, and exist happily.  I want to feel alive again and create happiness on my own terms.  I want to repair relationships, forge new ones, and swim in laughter.  I want to go outside my comfort zone as much as I can and try new things.  

To help me do this, I am going to participate in the 52 Week Experiences challenge.  52 weeks of more travel, adventure, time outdoors, wellness and fitness experiences whilst making new friends and connections, and discovering new ways to experience life.  Most of all, it will help me get out of my comfort zone.  I will be actively, frequently, and consistently, seeking new things to do and to make time to have new experiences.  I will document each week, something new or different I have done that week, which will show progress toward living my best life.  Some of these will be big while others may seem inconsequential, but all will begin to create blue skies overhead. Change is on the horizon.

Will this be a cure all?  Probably not, but it is a large step into creating my best life again.  A life I want to embrace every single day with the things and people I care most about!!  I am determined to live how I once did!!