I Licked a Toad and I Liked It
A lot of our understandings, fears, habits and beliefs as adults come from the experiences and constant conditioning we are exposed to as children and throughout our adolescent lives. We soak up, especially as kids, any and all information around us, which helps to create our perceived world. Unfortunately as kids and even as young adults (and as real adults) we aren’t able to co-create or choose our environment, we are kind of at the mercy of our family, friends, and life circumstances (or at least feel as if we are).
BUT, we live in a world where we CAN eventually CHOOSE what we want to become; how we want to ultimately live our lives. Despite what societal conditioning or our previous circumstances have instilled in us, we can alter our course completely as conscious adults. We have the ability to change and make the necessary choices to refocus our beliefs, habits, understandings and own self identity.
My journey the past few months has been trying to figure that out and being the open minded, forward thinking person I am, I am open to almost anything. That is what led me to Bufo Alvarius.
Bufo Alvarius therapy is an excellent way to wipe the canvas clean and begin painting a new picture. This therapy allows you to tap into a new frequency that reflects all of the truths, understandings, and healthy habits that you’ve gathered as a conscious and self-aware adult. It is a tool, just like therapy, meditation, yoga, and mindfulness that helps us achieve a higher sense of ourselves and our understanding of our place in the world. It facilitates self awareness, insight, healing and growth to help us express our best self and gain the most fulfillment from our lives.
But what exactly is Bufo? The substance, 5-MeO-DMT is derived from dried venom secreted by the Bufo alvarius toad. The 50-100mg dosage is smoked and inhaled into the lungs, producing fast acting hallucinogenic and mind altering effects almost immediately. On average, the experience lasts 20 minutes and has been shown to produce sustained enhancement of satisfaction with life, easing anxiety and depression and PTSD.
Yes, DMT….. like what Joe Rogen talks about on his podcast. The shit that unhinges you from reality and blasts you into the cosmos of pure existence. However this is in a controlled environment, guided by an expert in this sort of therapy. The experience typically lasts about 20 minutes, and the overwhelming majority say it is quite the life changing experience. Here is some more info about it should you choose to check it out.
Sounds awesome right? Well this is my experience.
This is where we did it in Tulum, at a recommendation from a friend.
https://www.bufoalvariussanctuary.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCD6GSO1LnFcKztVI-Cy-vBA
The ceremony was held in a large Tee Pee on the corner of the sanctuary. It was a very well made Tee Pee that had a wooden floor, comfortable pillows and blankets and even an AC unit to keep it cool. A very welcoming environment.
I was nervous and excited. I had researched this a lot and had great expectations, which maybe was a bad thing….
Our guide Ezriyah welcomed us both into the Tee Pee to talk with us and let us know what to expect. He performed a sage cleansing ritual on each of us and helped us set our intentions for our journey. I wanted to open up and let go of my fears and past, embrace my relationships and find strength to forge a new path on my life quest.
We performed several breathing exercises to prepare us for the inhalation of the medicine. It’s important that in order to get the full effects, you inhale slowly and deeply for 10 seconds and hold it in as long as you can. This is how you will get the most benefit.
We had decided that I would go first, so Stacy stepped outside so I could continue on my adventure. Ezriyah talked me through again about how to inhale the medicine and told me that throughout the experience he would be playing songs, singing chants and helping me safely find my way through this inevitable ego death. I was ready as I was ever going to be….
Ezriyah handed me the glass pipe with a bulb on one end and a long straw on the other that had 100mg of dried toad venom. I held it to my heart and took a few deep breaths to prepare myself for the experience.
I wrote this about 15min after: It’s a jumbled, existential mess. And honestly, that’s kind of how it felt……
Long deep breath out through the stomach. All air expelled out of my belly.
Slowly Inhale 10, 9, 8 , 7 , 6, 5, 4, 3....slow..... dizzy...2, Long deep breath out....ahhhhhhh and fall back. Gone from this reality. Music starts. Colors explode. I’m transported into a space time continuum. Floating sensation, suspended in a different realm. No thoughts, just existence. With everything, all at once.
It's funny, I’m writing this about 15min afterwards and I'm trying to make a timeline of my experience. But there is no timeline. It just happened. All at once. And impossible to piece together because I’m not supposed to.
It felt as if I was floating through time, revisiting past memories and picking and choosing feelings and emotions to let go of. Like shopping for negative emotional baggage. But I don’t remember it. I was just moving. Not my body, but my existence.
I know Stacy was there somewhere. She is the only one I distinctly remember but not sure in what context. I didn’t see her. I didn’t hear her. I felt her there. Maybe because I knew she was close by outside. Who knows. But she is the only thing I can truly say I remember in a sense. What does that mean? I don’t know. But I feel it’s positive. I was drifting through exactly where I needed to be.
I was travelling for a long time. There are a lot of dimensions and galaxies and combinations of each to explore. It’s no wonder I was gone for what felt like eternity.
Coming back into reality. Pieces of the TeePee are reforming to resemble a physical world. I can see the light shining through the peak, leaves drifting in the wind, my guide's voice and surrounding songs. It's beautiful. I have a feeling like a force field is around me, protecting both my physical and spiritual self as I awaken from this out of body experience.
It felt like I had been lying down for years. As if I just traveled throughout a space time continuum at the edge of my consciousness for a long, long, long time. I initially couldn't remember anything but had a sense that A LOT had happened. I just knew that I was waking up from an intense psychedelic drug. As I was coming to, I was wondering if it worked since i didn't remember anything. I wondered if I had thrown up, yelled and screamed, laughed, and cried. Whatever happened caused a shift in me. As I woke up I sensed an extreme gratitude for my life and all that has happened in it. All that is possible.
It took several minutes for me to fully awaken out of my deep transfixed state.
My guide said I experienced a very physical release of emotions. Things I had been holding on to. I don't know what they were because I don't remember anything....but that's the power at work. Your body releases what it needs to. I filled a lot of carts with my emotion shopping. And it's hard to describe the overall feeling of it all, but I felt safe, liberated and like it will be okay.
That evening, I felt depleted. No emotions left. I was probably expecting a lot more. I didn’t feel like I got a lot out of it, but maybe I did. Emotional peeling. I felt like layers had been peeled away to my deepest core and was just so vulnerable. That night was difficult emotionally. There were so many emotions hitting all at once with so many layers peeled off. However, I felt in acceptance of many of these feelings, even more so than before. And I felt like it was manageable and things would be okay.
Integration back into the real world. The past few days have been illuminating. I have felt more energized and ready to take on the world. I feel like I understand my emotions better in the sense I know what to keep diving deep into and what to let go of. I know how to harness my inner self and learn to understand and question uncomfortable emotions.
The positive changes, beneficial habits, and newfound awareness that I integrate into my life after an experience like this is extremely important in order to tap into the true power of this therapy. I want to be a better husband, father, brother, friend. I want to treat myself and others with love, respect, compassion, generosity and kindness. I want to hold myself and my loved ones accountable. I want to openly communicate and express myself in all ways. I want to be honest with myself and others. Most of all I want to be balanced, peaceful and fulfilled. These are all things that I have been working on in therapy the past few months, but I feel it is illuminated even more clearly for me now. I know I can do what needs to be done when I need to. I am hopeful and feel strong.
This experience has simply helped to remove the conditioning and programming that dimmed my once present joyful soul, or whatever you want to call it. My life, my true self has always been a treasure. But over the years, shit has been piled on top of it: career, money, expectations, you name it. Eventually, the junk was piled so high, I lost sight of what was truly underneath. I lost track of myself. I feel as if the crap has been removed. A weight has been lifted. Layers have been shed and built up emotions and expectations of myself thrown away. Maybe not for good, but it has given me a glimpse of myself again. I want to enjoy it and share it with others. Maybe it did work…..
Karaoke!
Well, on Thursday night I sang karaoke in public for the first time. This is actually a pretty big deal for me. I’ve always been soooo self conscious (not of my singing). I just always was too scared and worried what people would think. You’ve got to remember, I have legitimate social anxiety sometimes….. I went up and put in my song (All shook up- by Elvis) and sang away. It was liberating and felt great. I was very proud of myself. It may seem trivial, but it was really awesome for me.
I read this aloud to Dad. He says he is also terrified of Karaoke. Excellent recap of your 5-meo-DMT experience.
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